If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
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Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.