So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
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DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Leaving the Barbers like
☠️☠️☠️
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.