Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*

I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.

If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors

COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”

Tried arguing on the internet today.

Wouldn’t recommend it.

0 out of 5 stars.

If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.

How does a mule unlock a door?

With a don-key.

#MuleDay #RubbishJokes

My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera

My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.

Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.

No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.

Good morning.

My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.

Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.

Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!

Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is

doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
 
me: omg why god whyy
 
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
 
me: wait, i’m not dying?

doc: whoa there, hold your horses

Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door

*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*

Customers behind me: huffing and puffing

Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss

[1st date]

*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*

*but also, be sensitive*

I like to work with my hands,

But splinters make me cry.

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo: New phone. Who dis?

I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.

I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.

Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.

Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”

*plugs phone into charger*

“You like that huh?”

DATE: What’s your favourite movie?

ME: Kill Bill

DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated

ME [long pause] Killiam William

I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.

coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them

I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart

Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun

I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.