I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
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Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is