I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
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You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Believing everything you read on the internet is the key
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”