HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
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Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Alexa: *deep breath*
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
just got my engagement photos
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.