me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
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restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
get you a girl who
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Covid like
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early