Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
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When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
put ‘er there pardner!
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho