Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”

English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather

I know VERY basic Japanese.

When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,

“does this have nuts in it?

The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)

I responded…..

“Sí.”

…

I HAVE NO WORDS 😭

This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.

If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.

These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”

Those are good neighbors.

Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.

You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?

I’m like that, but with salad.

According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.

“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work

I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.

It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.

If you don’t hear from me again, they won.

My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.

I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet

dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:

Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.

the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him

If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?

[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.

“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”

– Dogs

If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.

Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.

I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.

I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.

It’s blood…I’m made of blood.

You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.

[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN

If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?

thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke