Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.

I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure

If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.

Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them

I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.

Dude at the gym: whoa that’s a lot of weight

Me: [picking up my stack of bills again] yea man and that’s just this month

-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.

and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.

Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.

captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna

1st mate: dont you mean sonar

captain (already in towel): full steam ahead

Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”

I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday

the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”

“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”

I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash

Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute

I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time

I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.

I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”

Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering

Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.

You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March

My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10

there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me

Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.

I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.

HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?

ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.

Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?

Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.