I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
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imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.