I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
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Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
“We will wed,” I threatened
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.