Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”

4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt

me: same

4yo: *blows whistle again*

If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?

Courageously battles through my ice cream headache

Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet

If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.

Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*

I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards

I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv

Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant

Me: no sweat

assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀

*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit

I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.

Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers

Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.

My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.

Me: Nope.

Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!

[Science Meeting, 1924]

Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check

“Let’s do it”

ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]

GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?

E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.

GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?

Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook

My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.

My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.

me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination

me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume

I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision

3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:

Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.