Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
You Might Also Like
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
can’t catch a break
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Today I’m going to give it my almost
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
This is what makes twitter great
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward