Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.

Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.

wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*

If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.

Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge

Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.

I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”

There stupid…

You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…

…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.

Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”

Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.

Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.

And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”

To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me

[Oregon Trail 1852]

Doctor: Any final words?

Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.

I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.

“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.

Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.

[paying the check at dinner]

ME: how much should I tip her?

COW WAITRESS: oh no

*30 years into the Apocalypse*

Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?

*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*

Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.

No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.

Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.

I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive

Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime

John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more

[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.

Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week

Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*

my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going

We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.

*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle

If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.

A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.

9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?

Me: (pause) Europe.

my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him

No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do

Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.