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A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
to the people who put antlers & a nose on their car for xmas
u cant trick me .. i know its a car
Cha-ching is my safe word
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
#DesignFail
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
*immediately after a hysterectomy*
ok weigh me now.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.