Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans

*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*

Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time

Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!

Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder

Teacher: You know what, please don’t!

My kid’s school thought 15 spirit days in the month of December was a good idea and now we’re one step closer to homeschooling.

WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats

ME: *barely audible* orca-strated

HER: Get out!

I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.

My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.

The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.

BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.

Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”

Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.

Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.

And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”

ME: [standing in the rain]

STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella

ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.

You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.

I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.

[1st date]

date: …you said you had abs

me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan

somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship

people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once

Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.

I got jort-martialed

Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place

Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.

They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…

I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.

You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*

*dressed a toddler

I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!

“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.

date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no

Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning

This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.

Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you