A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
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Cop lights are so pretty at night
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
He was only called Mr Pepper until he published his groundbreaking research on fizzics.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
😎 🍻
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
when u come home smelling like another dog