half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
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Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
I hope this email finds you in a well
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.