Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun

me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread

It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.

Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.

this post was so formative to me

Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”

If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me

I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.

Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.

When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.

Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me

Me: OMG just get in the shower

Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?

Parenting is easy.

Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.

[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY

Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech

Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there

Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.

I’m not feeling myself today…

…would YOU do it for me?

My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.

I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.

*reading of my will*

Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’

Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.

The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.

I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”

Then when people ask me what it means…

If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!

I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.

The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics

I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.

Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.