Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: and make mine a double

WAITER: your…your tater tots?

ME: you heard me

Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”

My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream

When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.

*Dies eating gas station sushi

Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?

[Arriving in Hell]

*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*

I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿

ME: I thought only old people got that

DOCTOR:

ME:

DOCTOR:

ME: Oh…

The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest

I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.

Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.

Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes

To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.

In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.

my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there

Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.

My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.

I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.

Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!

Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.

Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,

nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh

[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?

On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.

[How the rap feud started]

Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?

2pac: sure, no biggie

Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]

[about to have sex]

me: fasten your seatbelt

her: oooh you’re good huh

me: no this is a race car bed

*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother

Woman: Does Viagra work?

Pharmacist: Yes

Woman: Can you get it over the counter?

Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!

How does North Korea only have four medals so far?

We’re the best at everything.

We even fed our athletes this time.

Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank

Think you have only one chin? Let your kid take a picture of you from their POV and you will find you are sorely mistaken.