Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
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Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
When your diet is finally over.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”