I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
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I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
got so much cardio in today
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Today my 4 year old son said to me ‘Dad, can you put my shoes on?’
I replied, ‘No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.’
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
My phone is so dry I haven’t even gotten a text from a politician
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
We gave my child a wallet with a single dollar bill to play with. She now has three dollars. I don’t know where the other two came from. Help.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”