I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
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Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date
Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.