I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
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I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
I found a set of keys everyone was looking for in the pub so i’m a magpie now apparently if anyone’s lost any shiny shit
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you