why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
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DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……