It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
You Might Also Like
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Leaving the Barbers like
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then