It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
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“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”
-Me, as a therapist.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It’s also raisin free.
And cake free.
OK it’s just rum
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”