Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
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“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Which demographic buys the most barbies?
Australian fathers
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.