Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
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when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.