Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
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Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.