Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
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In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong