Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage

ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning

[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?

Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?

Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer

Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick

i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars

Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too

Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.

[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.

put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control

Me: That tree is impeckable

“Don’t you mean impeccable?”

*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*

Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?

“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.

Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed

If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.

doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on

Ok, but like, how married are you?

You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind

can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”

Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:

Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!

You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.

I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.

FINE, it was me!

my life changed when i learned some house spiders can’t survive outside so now i just catch them and release them in a friend’s home

All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!

I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.

I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed

We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod

Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?

2020: Haha you have no idea.

A recipe for laughter

NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?

Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.

Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.

*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”

I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.