Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party

Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…

Him: Baby are you mad?

Me:
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No, why?

I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.

I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am

I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.

I call it the “escanow.”

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?

Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…

Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.

Leia: You owe child support.

Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.

Leia: You’re standing right here

Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*

Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”

Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.

This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol

Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?

Bowling Ball:

I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.

But is it really??

Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.

Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad

It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.

*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.

Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.

People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.

my cat: I’d like to go out

me: ok

my cat’s tail: not me tho

Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.

So after 75 long days, this week is finally over

“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”

Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class

Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72

As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.