Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
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The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Would make a brilliant taxi driver
