I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
You Might Also Like
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
I’d like to formally apologize to everyone I’ve ever mocked for leaving their holiday lights up all year. You were visionaries, and I am now your disciple.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself… Probably had it coming anyway
(yawn)
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
I need to get some bricks…
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Why do we never do that thing we never did anymore?
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.