Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
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I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Thursday
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or