Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
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Truth
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Saw online –
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm
“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.