Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
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*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Why font matters.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Growing up was a huge mistake
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.