Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
You Might Also Like
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Very good news from my accountant
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
new dr. seuss book dropping:
How it started How it’s going
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist