i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
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A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
This is the best one I’ve seen
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.