Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver

I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.

how to screw with your cat’s head 101

Mary: oh no my period is late

Joseph: oh no how late

Mary: I dunno, what’s the date

Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC

Mary: 9 months what now

I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?

Opponent: I wish you luck

Me: Tha—

Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.

Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey

interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?

God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans

*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch

“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline

Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish

I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁

BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.

LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit

[GRAND CANYON]

WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?

ME: It’s ok.

WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?

ME: I don’t want to talk about it

You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room

told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately

You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.

Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg

Horse: I want to go home

I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address

Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?

Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy

Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.

My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.

work smarter, not harder

I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.

Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.

Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.

You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.

The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.

[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days

Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.

me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000

her: sure

me: k

Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?

Other friend: What, like in tacos?

This is why I love them.