My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
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Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Bootstraps
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.