Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot

My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.

In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”

I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”

19 y.o.: “What?”

Me: “I didn’t say anything.”

Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood

Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas

i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag

Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.

Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??

Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird

English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions

Classified ad:

Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.

I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.

The people have spoken – if the 20th Anniversary Edition of Back to Bedlam is Number 1 next Friday, my new name will legally be…

4-year-old: Can I have some floss?

Me: You’re too little

4: But I really, really need it

Me: Fine. *gives her floss*

4:*ties up Barbies*

You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.

Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation

Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this

I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason

Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No

Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.

Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.

There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”

*goes to Costco to stock up*

*comes home with all the Doritos*

I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.

Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.

Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you

Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.

I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.

How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom