I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
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If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.
~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi