The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
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I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy