The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
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[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
This is a sub tweet
eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
A robber walks into a bank with a glue gun
And shouts “This is a stick-up!”
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny