A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
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Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.