Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
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People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.