Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.

Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.

8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?

Me: I want you to do some chores.

8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.

Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.

My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.

ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?

“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁

it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes

No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.

I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.

My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”

Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome

I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly

thats my bad

I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.

I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.

I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.

[in bed]

gf: I thought we could experiment with toys

me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear

Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.

Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest

Nobody:

Me: An investigator

QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:

1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?

Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies

Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows

10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.

I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.

Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific

the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/

Flex on a demon by possessing it first.

plums roundup

what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion

[at work]

Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!

Me: Well, you know me, always working!

Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*

Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*