Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st day as a Transformer]

GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95

ME: (becomes a Decepticon)

You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes

Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.

It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.

Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.

Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered

I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.

When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.

My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”

He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”

Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him

~ cats

Schools: Children need consistency and routine

Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie

I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.

How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.

An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.

Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]

god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast

angel: and so wild

god: only a lunatic would ride one

angel: are you—

god: —ima make a lunatic

My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.

Photobombing Giraffe 😅

I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.

I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.

Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?

Me: Yeah, so?

Him: There’s one small piece left.

Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.

The morning after pill, but for tweets

I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game

Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.

GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”

Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email

[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look

“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.

Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?

Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.