to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
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Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.
I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.
I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.
My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.