If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
You Might Also Like
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Meanwhile in Canada…
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast